Down on the Farm
by Nova-chan
Summary: Xel, Zel, Gourry, Lina, and Amelia go to visit Gourry's aunt and uncle who live on a farm. Will they survive??


Down on the Farm  
  
By: NoV  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Gourry wants to visit his great uncle-in-law on the farm and take Lina, Zelgadis, Xelloss, and Amelia with him. But, will his friends be able to stand waking up at five a.m.?? Or feeding pigs?? Or making pies? Or planting corn? Find out!  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Lina sighed, walking behind Gourry who was showing them all the way to the farm.  
  
"Gourry, why do we have to visit your great whatever?" she asked, sounding extremely bored.  
  
"Because," he answered, "my great aunt-in-law makes the best biscuits in the universe! And, plus, their daughter's getting married and I'm gonna be the maid of honor!"  
  
"Don't you mean the best man?" Zelgadis wondered.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
"Well, I think it's wonderful to be able to meet some of Mr. Gourry's family-err, kin, as they say in the country!" Amelia cried, clasping her hands together, joyously.  
  
"Gourry, just how far is your great uncle-in-law's farm?" Xelloss asked.  
  
"It's right-there!" Gourry exclaimed, pointing to a giant cornfield that had seemingly appeared from nowhere.  
  
There was a windmill, a little barn, a rickety little house, and miles and miles of corn.  
  
"Are you sure we hafta do this?" Lina asked, turning up her nose at her surroundings. "I mean this isn't exactly my idea of a vacation."  
  
"Aw, come on! It'll be lots of fun! We can go fishin' and chase chickens and then when we catch 'em we can eat 'em for dinner!" Gourry exclaimed, excitedly.  
  
"Fun, right," Zelgadis muttered.  
  
Knocking on the front door of the house, Gourry called, "Auntie! Unclie! It's me, your favorite lil great nephew in-law!"  
  
The door creaked open, revealing a bent-over old woman with wrinkles and silvery hair.  
  
"Why, err.Gourry, what are you doing here.again?" the woman asked, sweatdropping.  
  
"Well, I found out that Nancy's getting married, and I just knew you'd want me to be the.thing!" he replied.  
  
"Oh.really?"  
  
Lina grabbed Gourry around the collar and pulled him to the side. "Do you mean to tell me," she whispered sharply, "that you dragged us all the way out here when you WEREN'T EVEN INVITED???"  
  
"Um.maybe." the swordsman replied.  
  
Lina didn't need to hear anymore. She dropped Gourry and began hitting her head on a pole.  
  
"Well." The woman paused. "I suppose you can come, but if you do anything like last time, I'm getting a restraining order."  
  
"Last time?" Gourry wondered.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Gourry! No!! Leave the chickens alone!!" his aunt shouted.  
  
"But they're so cute!!!!"  
  
The chickens ran around the yard, being chased by Gourry with a pitchfork.  
  
In his hurry, the blond tripped over a rake, falling on top of the chickens, who began to peck him.  
  
"AAAG!!!" he cried. "Chicken attack!!!"  
  
Then, the chickens began chasing Gourry around, who ran into the barn, and fell down.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Oh, right," the swordsman said, smiling, "that last time."  
  
Zelgadis turned to Amelia. "Let's run away."  
  
"Mr. Zelgadis we're supposed to be here to support Mr. Gourry and we haven't even met his great uncle-in-law or his second cousin-in-law or any of these chickens we've heard so much about and it's rude and inJust to abandon people without so much as a 'goodbye,' I'm just so surprised at you, Mr. Zelgadis!!" Amelia exclaimed.  
  
Zelgadis pulled the corks out of his ears. "Ah.silence."  
  
  
  
**  
  
"You can stay in here," Gourry's aunt said, directing towards two rooms. "The girls can go to the left, and the boys to the right."  
  
"I'm not sleeping in a room with him," Zelgadis stated, pointing to Xelloss.  
  
"That's oh-kay, Zel-chan!" Xelloss replied. "I was gonna go with the girls anyway!"  
  
"Oh no you're not!" Lina exclaimed.  
  
"Miss Lina!!" Amelia interjected. "Don't be mean to Mr. Xelloss!! And you too, Mr. Zelgadis!"  
  
"Yeah," the mazoku agreed, fake sniffling. "You hurt my poor fragile feelings."  
  
"You could sleep in the barn," the woman suggested.  
  
"With the horses??" he asked.  
  
"No, it's cows actually."  
  
"."  
  
  
  
**  
  
"Good night!" Gourry called from a window.  
  
"Sweet dreams," Zelgadis said, mockingly.  
  
"Good night, Mr. Xelloss! Don't let the bed-bugs bite!!" Amelia shouted.  
  
"Night, Xelloss!" Lina cried.  
  
Xelloss turned away from them. "Night Xelloss," he mocked. "Stupid them."  
  
"Moo."  
  
"Life sucks, doesn't it, cow?"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Miss Lina!" Amelia exclaimed. "This bed is so soft and feathery! How is yours?"  
  
"It's as hard as a rock. Wanna trade?" Lina returned.  
  
"No thank-you, Miss Lina," the princess replied, with a shake of her head. "After all, Mr. Gourry's aunt assigned these beds to us, and, since she must have sensed my royal background, she gave me the softest bed, knowing that I am able to feel a pea through the thickest of mattresses!"  
  
Lina stared at Amelia. "So.you wanna trade?"  
  
"Oh-kay!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Good night, Zelgadis!" Gourry shouted, loudly at the chimera who was only two feet away from him in the other bed.  
  
"Night Gourry," Zelgadis muttered.  
  
"Hey, Zel?"  
  
"Yes?" he replied, irritated.  
  
"What's the moon made of?"  
  
"Rocks."  
  
"Oh, like you?"  
  
"Go to sleep now."  
  
"Oh-kay.hey Zelgadis?"  
  
"WHAT???" the chimera demanded, sitting up in bed and looming angrily over Gourry.  
  
"Um.I forgot," he answered, meekly.  
  
Zelgadis stared over Gourry's head for a few seconds, then fell back, accidentally hitting his head on the bed post.  
  
"Itai."  
  
"You know, people say that all the time," the blond commented, "but I never know what it means."  
  
"It means the same as ow."  
  
"Can it mean the same as owie?"  
  
"YES!!!!!"  
  
"Cool!"  
  
"Got to sleep, Gourry."  
  
"Oh-kay! Night, Zel!"  
  
"Whatever." Zelgadis grumbled, rolling over and facing the other direction.  
  
"Zelgadis?" Gourry whispered.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?????"  
  
"I remembered!"  
  
"Remembered what?"  
  
"The thing I was gonna say earlier that you made me forget when you yelled at me and got all big and scary," was the reply.  
  
Zelgadis sighed. "Oh-kay, tell me. Make it quick."  
  
"I um.forgot again."  
  
Slowly, the chimera got out of bed, grabbed his pillow and blanket, and exited the room.  
  
"Hey!" Gourry called. "Where are you going??"  
  
"I'm going to go sleep with Xelloss in the barn," he explained. "Anywhere is better than here."  
  
"All righty! See you in the morning!" As soon as Zelgadis left, Gourry got up and began to jump back and forth between the beds. "Woo-hoo! I knew that'd work!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis made it outside to the barn and knocked on the door, just in case.  
  
"Xelloss?" he wondered, then shrugged, opening the door.  
  
"He didn't leave because of another heifer, it's just because your milk tasted a little sour," the mazoku explained to a cow, who stared at him blankly.  
  
Zelgadis, standing in the doorway, turned around, closed the door, and reentered.  
  
"Hi Zelgadis!" Xelloss exclaimed, waving.  
  
"Hello, Xelloss," the chimera replied, nervously twitching. "I just came to see how you are, and I think I may be losing my mind!!"  
  
"Um.wow?"  
  
"So, is the hay comfy in here?"  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"Good! I'm just gonna lie down and go to sleep, g'night!" Zel shouted, before diving into some hay and nearly immediately started snoring.  
  
"So, anyway, you deserve better than him," Xelloss said, turning back to the cow. "There are plenty more bulls in the pen, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Moo."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
A bell rang in Lina's and Amelia's ears loudly. They sat straight up, looking around, wide-eyed.  
  
"Rise and shine, girls!" Gourry's aunt cried. "It's nearly 5:00! Are you gonna sleep all day, or what?"  
  
The two fell back on their pillows, and pulled the blankets over their heads.  
  
"James!"  
  
"Yes, Susan?"  
  
"We've got a couple of lazy girls still in bed!"  
  
Lina screamed as the mattress she was on was flipped on its side, casting her off.  
  
A moment later, the same fate had befallen Amelia.  
  
"Rise and shine!" Aunt Susan yelled. "We hafta make breakfast for the boys so they can work the fields and feed the pigs and shoe the horses and build a new barn and-"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"-and go into town and buy supplies and then come home in time to watch the paint dry!" Susan finished. "After we fix breakfast, we have to sew for a while, and then sweep and mop the floors and beat the rugs and deliver Miss May's baby and come home in time to watch the paint dry!"  
  
They had finally arrived in the kitchen, Amelia and Lina already dreading their busy day.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Gourry was still hopping from bed to bed, except he had giant black rings under his eyes and he was no longer smiling or giddily laughing as he was six hours before.  
  
Eventually, he lost his balance and fell head-first into his bed, snoring away.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Meanwhile, out in the barn, Xelloss, very much awake, pretended to sleep, with Zelgadis' arms wrapped around him, waiting for someone to come in and gape at them.  
  
Gourry's uncle, James, was the one who entered, and smiled at the two.  
  
"Aw, shucks!" he exclaimed, softly. "It just makes me feel all jiggly to see a couple of kids in love!"  
  
Xelloss' eyes popped open and he stood up, gawking at the old man.  
  
"What do you mean??" he demanded. "Don't you find something the least bit odd about the situation?"  
  
"Sorry to walk in on you, Miss," Uncle James apologized.  
  
Miss?? Xelloss asked himself, but didn't verbalize his protest.  
  
"Apology accepted," he replied instead.  
  
"Now, we can't have a pretty young girl like you doing any of the work," Gourry's uncle stated, with a wink. "How old are you anyway?"  
  
"Um.hang on, and I'll change, then come back and tell!!" Xelloss said quickly, ducking behind a stall. Once there, he zapped himself into a young girl's body, with long, purple pigtails.  
  
He reappeared in front of the old man, who was wearing overalls.  
  
"I'm six!!" the mazoku cried, energetically.  
  
"Well, then, why don't you go play dolls or something!" Uncle James instructed. "I'm not about to make kids work."  
  
"Thank-you very much!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Gourry, James, everyone, breakfast is ready!" Aunt Susan called.  
  
Though Gourry had previously been dead asleep, the mention of a meal brought him back to the land of the living.  
  
In mere seconds, he was sitting at the table, fork in hand, stuffing eggs into his mouth.  
  
Once he had eaten an entire tray of eggs, he stopped and asked, "Where's Nancy?"  
  
"She is coming downstairs," his aunt answered, cooking some more eggs. "You nearly knocked her over running down here so quickly."  
  
"I was hungry, Aunt Susan!" he whined. "I'm still hungry! YUM!! Biscuits, just the way I like 'em."  
  
Lina and Amelia dragged themselves to the table, wearily.  
  
"I never thought I'd work so hard for food." Lina groaned.  
  
"Me either." Amelia fell headfirst into a bowl of gravy.  
  
"Good morning, Gourry!" Uncle James exclaimed, coming into the dining room with a younger more feminine Xelloss, and an annoyed, yet worried for his sanity Zelgadis.  
  
"Hey, Zelgadis!" Gourry cried, cheerfully. "Hello little girl! Hi Uncle James!!"  
  
Zelgadis nodded and sat down.  
  
Xelloss waved.  
  
James turned his chair around backwards and sat at the table, straddling it.  
  
"Could I have a cup of coffee?" the chimera wondered.  
  
"Sorry, dear," Susan answered, "we don't drink coffee. Never have, in fact. There's not a drop for a thousand miles."  
  
Zelgadis felt a long, drawn out scream coming on, but suppressed it, looked at his hands and cried.  
  
"I had a cup just yesterday, and now it's GOOOOOOOOONE!!!!" he wailed. "Excuse me, I'll be in my room!!" He ran upstairs, nearly knocking Nancy over, and slammed the door behind him.  
  
Finally, Nancy made it downstairs. Upon seeing her, Xelloss got big, gushy hearts in his eyes. Then, he got them out with tweezers because they were obstructing his view.  
  
"Gourry, it's been a long time since you've seen your cousin, if you don't count five minutes ago when you blazed past her," Aunt Susan concluded. "So, does she look like a bride, or what?"  
  
"Um.what else should she look like?" he wondered, gulping down some cereal.  
  
Lina, who had been slowly eating at the speed her fatigue allowed her, raised a quivering fist and hit the blond on the head.  
  
"It's good to see you again, Gourry," Nancy greeted, with a thick, southern accent.  
  
"Uh-huh," he replied, not looking up from his sausage.  
  
"So, my dear," James said, turning to Xelloss, "where do you come from?"  
  
"Um, that's a secret!!"  
  
Gourry's uncle chuckled good-naturedly. "Oh-kay."  
  
Lina paused in her slow-motion eating and looked at Xelloss in disguise. "Xelloss? What are you doing?"  
  
"Um.why, I'm eating this wonderful food that Mr. Gourry's great aunt-in-law made!" he replied.  
  
Immediately, Amelia came out of her daze and choked him. "SHE DIDN'T MAKE IT!!!" the oujo yelled. "I HAD TO MAKE IT!! AND IT TOOK FIFTY BAZILLION HOURS!!!"  
  
She coughed and took her seat, falling back into the gravy.  
  
"When are you getting married?" Xelloss wondered of Nancy, after getting over the shock of being throttled by Amelia.  
  
"In two days!" she replied, happily.  
  
"Yes, that's right." Susan smiled. "She's marrying a nice boy she met at the mailbox!"  
  
"The mailbox?" Lina asked, somewhat coming out of her tiredness.  
  
"Is he the mailman or something?" Gourry inquired, with a mouthful of food.  
  
"Oh, no, you silly thing!" Nancy cried, laughing. "He's the paper boy!"  
  
"Like that's an improvement," the sorceress mumbled, starting to eat at her normal speed again.  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Once everyone had finished with their breakfast, Uncle James decided to take Gourry and Zelgadis, who was still sobbing about having no coffee, out to the field to plant corn.  
  
All three of them had been decked out in blue jean overalls and straw hats. Gourry scratched his head every few seconds, while Zelgadis merely moped behind them.  
  
"To plant corn," James began, "you must take a seed, put it in the dirt, and cover it up! Before you know it, you have corn!"  
  
Gourry's eyes grew big. "You mean that's how you make food???"  
  
"Um.yes," his uncle replied.  
  
"WOW!!!"  
  
He ran off in the direction of the nearest supermarket.  
  
"Welp, Zegylder, or whatever, let's get to work!" James exclaimed.  
  
"Coffee."  
  
"Why don't you plant yourself some coffee?"  
  
"YOU MEAN YOU CAN PLANT COFFEE???" the chimera shrieked. "WOW!!!"  
  
He, too, ran toward the supermarket.  
  
"Guess I'll just start without 'em."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Since you girls didn't want to help me clear off the table, you can sweep the floor by yourselves," Susan said, taking the last few dishes into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh.the infernal working." Amelia groaned.  
  
"I can't feel my legs." Lina whined, slamming her head on the table.  
  
Xelloss sat at the table, happily twiddling his thumbs and enjoying watching Lina and Amelia suffer.  
  
"How come Xelloss doesn't hafta work?" Lina wondered.  
  
"Children don't have to work," Aunt Susan answered, sternly.  
  
Xelloss stuck his tongue out at Amelia and Lina, who glared tiredly back at him.  
  
"Ahh." he sighed in the child's voice. "I'm so bored with nothing to do at all," the mazoku said, teasingly. "I don't think I've ever had so much nothing at one time in my entire lifetime!"  
  
If looks could kill, Xelloss would have died a horrible, agonizing death that very second.  
  
"Come on, girls, there's much to do and very little hours in a day!" Susan beckoned.  
  
Amelia and Lina followed her, glaring at Xelloss over their shoulders the entire way.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis and Gourry returned to the farm with their spoils. Both of them had bought so much they had to use levitation to transport it all.  
  
"Hey, Zelgadis?" Gourry wondered.  
  
"What?" the chimera replied.  
  
"Did YOU know that you could make food this way?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well.I think it's cool! I'll grow enough food to keep me happy forever!!" the swordsman exclaimed, jabbing a fist into the air. He then looked around with greed and nervousness. "And I won't share any of it with Lina!!"  
  
"You do that. I'm just gonna grow an entire field of coffee.and I won't share any of it with anybody!!" Zel cried.  
  
  
  
**  
  
Lina and Amelia were busying themselves with sweeping the floor.  
  
"This stinks," Lina grumbled. "I should be out ridding the world of vile and evil bandits who steal from innocent people!!"  
  
"And taking THEIR things, Miss Lina?" Amelia asked.  
  
"Of course! It is only right for their things to become public property!" the bandit killer shouted.  
  
"And how does it become public property if you take it?" the oujo inquired.  
  
"I use it to exchange for goods, the goods are public property and thus the money becomes public property," Lina explained.  
  
Amelia rolled her eyes. "If you say so."  
  
  
  
**  
  
Xelloss sighed, twirling a pigtail. "I really AM bored. Maybe I should go mess with Zelgadis."  
  
"If you're as bored as you say," Susan said, coming into the room, "why don't you just go and feed the chickens, hmm?"  
  
The mazoku sweatdropped. "I just had to open my big, fat mouth."  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
As Zelgadis neatly planted coffee beans, he smiled to himself. "I'll have a coffee plantation in no time."  
  
In the field opposite of Zelgadis, Gourry had begun to plant his garden.  
  
"Let's see," he said, "I want to plant chicken!"  
  
The swordsman pulled a live chicken out of his shopping bag and buried it in the ground. The chicken quickly dug itself out of the dirt and flew far away from Gourry, who was planting his sword of light.  
  
"This way, Lina won't want mine anymore! We can both have one." He cheerily smiled at the pile of dirt.  
  
  
  
**  
  
"Come on, girls," Aunt Susan beckoned, "time to make apple pie!"  
  
"Yum!" Amelia cried, full of energy for the first time all day. "I love pie!"  
  
"I do too," Lina agreed, then added darkly, "just not when I have to make it."  
  
"First, we make the crust," Gourry's aunt announced, getting flour, eggs, and milk along with a rolling pin and setting it all on the counter.  
  
"We mix all that together?" Amelia wondered, staring at the ingredients.  
  
"Yep. Now get to work, you slackers!!!"  
  
With that, Susan left the kitchen to mop.  
  
"You heard the lady," Lina said, cracking her knuckles. "Let's make a pie!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Xelloss, still dressed like the little girl, slowly made his way into the henhouse with a little wicker basket.  
  
The chickens instantly turned to stare at him as soon as he opened the door.  
  
"Oh-kay," he said. "Uhh.listen, ladies, I just need some eggs."  
  
The mazoku edged forward. The chickens fluffed up and glared at him.  
  
"Well it's not like it's my preference to do this or anything!!" he yelled. "Sorry. I should control my temper. Just let me have your eggs."  
  
This caused a riot from the chickens.  
  
Xelloss barely had time to scream before he was pecked and flogged and tarred and feathered.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Gourry!!!" Zelgadis cried, staring wide-eyed at him. "Put your pants back on!!"  
  
"But I wanna grow another pair," Gourry protested.  
  
The chimera sweatdropped. "I think you were misinformed as to how planting works."  
  
"What's to know?" the blond wondered, planting a shoe. "You stick it in the ground and it makes more! It's great. I wonder why nobody ever thought of it before."  
  
"Maybe because it's stupid and it would never work in a thousand years?" Zelgadis offered, planting more of his precious coffee beans.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
"Oh-kay, Amelia, add the eggs!" Lina exclaimed, after pouring the flour, along with the bag it was in, into the bowl.  
  
"Right, Miss Lina!" the oujo replied, grabbing the eggs. She plopped them into the bowl without cracking them open first.  
  
"And now the milk, then we're done!" the sorceress cried.  
  
"How much milk, though?" Amelia wondered, holding up a gallon.  
  
"I don't know, she didn't say." Lina scratched her head. "I guess she wants us to put all of it in there."  
  
"Oh-kay!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Xelloss slowly crawled out of the henhouse and slammed the door behind him, catching a few chickens in it.  
  
Scowling at the chickens, he brushed himself off.  
  
"I'm out of here."  
  
And, with that, he phased out and wouldn't return until next they adventured far from the farm.  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis desperately tried to pull Gourry away from the field after the swordsman had tried to bury himself.  
  
"Gourry!" he yelled. "We're leaving! Your mental health and mine depends on it!"  
  
"But Zelgadis!!" Gourry whined. "I want a twin!!!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Just as Lina was about to start kneading the "dough," Zelgadis burst into the room, dragging Gourry behind him.  
  
"Mr. Zelgadis, wha-" Amelia was cut off when she was flung over his shoulder. Seconds later, Lina rested on the other shoulder.  
  
"Goodbye we had a nice time see you soon we're leaving!!" Zelgadis yelled, running out of the house and away from the farm.  
  
Once they were a safe distance away, he set everyone down and sat down himself.  
  
"Mr. Zelgadis had lost his mind," Amelia resolved.  
  
"Why are you covered in dirt, Gourry?" Lina asked, turning her nose up at the blond.  
  
He pointed at Zelgadis. "It's his fault!!" Gourry insisted. "He made me do it!!"  
  
"It looks like we're going back to see Nahga," Lina said, sighing. "Let's go, Zel."  
  
"Don't worry, Zel!" Gourry cried. "I promise to visit you in the funny farm!!"  
  
  
  
**  
  
  
  
Zelgadis: They sent me awaaaaaaayyyy.  
  
Nova-chan: o.0 It'll be oh-kay.  
  
Xelloss: It will never be oh-kay! NEVER!!!  
  
Gourry: Chicken! Why did you hurt the chickens, Xelloss?  
  
Xelloss: I didn't! They were the ones that hurt me. They hurt my poor, fragile body. (sniffle) I should sue.  
  
Lina: You know, I'm not THAT terrible at cooking.  
  
Amelia: And neither am I! Miss Nova-chan!! It is EVIL and INJUST to make up things even if they ARE going into fics and I am SURPRISED at you!!  
  
Xelloss: It will BE oh-kay. Take a deep breath. IN and OUT.  
  
Amelia: (huffs)  
  
Nova-chan: Bye! 


End file.
